PURE LOVE REQUIRES NO RETURN
To be able to love truly, completely, and in one’s totality, one has to first find the totality, the completeness, in one’s Self, because love is an expression of what one is. There are various levels of love, ranging from the grossest physical level to the highest spiritual level. One can love in a very limited way, confined to the physical. One can love in a still higher form, where the body and mind are involved, and the highest form of all is when all three aspects of man are involved, mind, body and spirit. That would form the totality of love, and the totality of love can only be expressed if we are total.
That is a form which some achieve, because in attaining the totality of love one has discovered the secret of the universe. One has become one, or at one with the universe, and therein lies the completeness of love. When one finds the completeness of love, one could truly say that “I am love” and the need to love an object disappears. Need does not remain. It is like a flower that gives off its fragrance not because it wants to, but because it becomes its very nature to give off the fragrance.
When one reaches that level of love, one knows no separation. The object of love disappears, and the subject of love disappears, and only love remains. To put this very simply, it means loving for the sake of love. All the loves we go through, if they are not complete, contain some seeds of motivation. I love a woman and want that woman to reciprocate my love. That kind of love, which is most common with ninety-nine point nine, nine, nine, nine percent of people, is a kind of business; I give you this and you give me that in return, while pure love requires no return.
LOVE KNOWS NO ANALYSIS; LOVE IS A WELLING OF THE HEART
When a Sage says he loves the world, he loves humanity and every creature, and he expects no return whatsoever, because he loves for the sake of love. That love within him is so powerful that it simply expresses itself. In other words, he cannot help loving because he is love.
In ordinary life, when we have not reached that stage of Sagehood, within our boundaries we can still elevate the form of love we are capable of. When it comes to reciprocation, the very idea of what I want in return can be carefully examined. I love the woman so much, and I ask myself, “How much does she love me?” With that loving of the object, we go through a self-analysis, evaluating how much I want in return. Do I want more in return, or do I want the same, or do I want less? The common fault of the ordinary man is that he always wants more in return. To him, even love must be a bargain, at sale price. So I love so much and I want back so much. Therein lies the mechanics of how to love in totality. The mechanics are that when we love someone, we do not expect that person to love us more, but rather accept a lesser love. I love my wife, and I want that love to be reciprocated, not necessarily to the extent of my love for her, but to the extent of which she is capable. If we find that the woman loves me in return to her fullest capacity, I must appreciate that as reciprocation to her level, and any form of reciprocation is always at the level of the object and not at the level of the subject. So here the greatest of honesty is required. The greatest of sincerity is required. The greatest of acceptance is required. A married couple or a boyfriend/girlfriend who intends to get married always have this argument within themselves, if it is not outwardly expressed. “I love you so much,” and a question that is always asked is, “How much do you love me?” Another question that is also always asked is, “Do you love me?” And with couples that are so close, they always ask, “Do you love me?” The reason they ask this question is that they want to reaffirm to themselves the love of the object. The reason they want to reaffirm or reconfirm to themselves is that they are insecure in the love that they are giving. So the mind says, “I love this woman,” but even within the mind there are certain doubts, and that love is being analysed. I love this woman. Why do I love this woman? Is it because she has a pretty nose, or is it because she has lovely hair, or whatever you would regard as lovely? We will not go into details.
So, remember this. This is a very, very important point. The moment I start analysing my love for someone, love ceases, because we have taken love to the mental level, to the mind level. The mind cannot love. The mind can only appreciate the mechanics of love. What loves is the welling of the heart. The heart feels the closeness; the heart feels the oneness, where your heartbeat spontaneously feels the heartbeat of your beloved. But once the mind enters and analyses even the heartbeat, then the heart stops beating in the flow of love. Love knows no analysis.
FROM NEED TO UNDERSTANDING – THE EVOLUTION OF LOVE
The other day, a little teenager was talking to me about love. He said, “Guruji, I know everything about love.” I said, “You do. Please tell me.” So he said, “They talk about tickling the brain and something about the heart. It tickles the heart and affects the brain.” And then he went on to talk about something about the spine, and I said, “Stop, stop, stop. That is not love. That is not love.” It is a profound experience felt between two people, and the profound experience that is found between two people can only be expressed in a profound communication which is beyond the analysis of the mind. And if it is beyond the analysis of the mind, it is beyond all expression. That is love.
So, love exists on various levels. It begins with the need for a return on the love given, which is the common experience. But we have to advance, to progress, so that the need for reciprocation becomes less and less and less. When a couple gets married, they might have had a courtship for a few years, perhaps, and when they get married, in the honeymoon period, they require that entire reciprocation, but as the marriage settles down, the need for that reciprocation diminishes. Why does the need for reciprocation diminish? It is because a beautiful understanding has been developed. After all, love, in its finest analysis, in its finest relative worldly value, is nothing more than an understanding, where you understand the workings of the mind, the workings of the emotions of your spouse, and that is commonly known as love.
If two people know each other for a little while, a few years, and say that “We love each other deeply,” that is not entirely true, because it comes from the mind. A man and a woman can really love each other only after they have lived together for many years. It is such a beautiful sight for me to see an old couple walking down the road, perhaps along the banks of the river Thames, hand in hand, with such tenderness, such communication, and such understanding, where that separation no longer exists. At that age, they have realised, to some extent, what that love is all about.
To reach that stage, to love in this world even without needing any reward, is in the realms of Divine love, where you love for the sake of love. That is for sages, for the yogis, for the gurus. But in worldly life, when one reaches that understanding, one sees an old couple walking down the road hand in hand, and every few minutes they turn their heads to glance into each other’s eyes. What beautiful poetry, for love is poetry? What beautiful poetry? But this has to be worked at over a period of years, during which they slowly begin to understand each other. They begin to understand each other’s faults and frailties, and in understanding them, they accept them. So, when one accepts each other’s faults and frailties, a beautiful friendship is born, and that companionship is also one of the constituents of love.
SACRIFICE, SURRENDER AND THE GRACE OF LOVE
As we progress along the path of married life, we experience many ups and downs. Although people are closely connected and, to a certain extent, understand each other, they inwardly feel that this is the right person for them. Even so, ups and downs persist. What causes these ups and downs? They stem from a sense of ego, the belief that I am better than her, or she is better than me, or I am better than him. This small ego stands in the way. It blocks the natural flow of love or communication from heart to heart.
When we become immersed in this ego, we become self-centred and start believing that the whole world revolves around us. We are the centre of the universe, and everything must pay attention to us. So, when the wife becomes demanding for attention to feed her ego, or the husband becomes demanding to feed his ego and self-importance, friction begins. To avoid this friction, one has to learn surrender. When one surrenders oneself completely to one’s beloved, love is felt, and that love is akin to Divinity.
Although in our outward, worldly life the ego rears its head, do not let it rear its head in bed. The incompatibilities between man and woman in their sexual life are only because of the lack of the sense of surrender, and it is this lack that causes incompatibilities. These things have a far-reaching effect on householders because the sexual urge is one of the strongest urges in man and woman, and it has to be given vent. They have to be given vent because the experience gained in that total surrender between husband and wife can lead you to total surrender to God.
So, at every stage, right from the physical level to the highest level of the soul, man has been given the equipment, the necessary tools, to progress to higher and higher and higher levels. But going to bed requires a lot of preparation. Surrender does not start in bed. It starts the morning you wake up. It starts in daily life, everyday work-a-day life, every day at home, where one of the qualities that leads to self-surrender is self-sacrifice. We perform little sacrifices for our wives or our husbands. We do that, not as an arduous duty but as a dharmic duty. We make these sacrifices. If you want to go to London and the wife says let us go to Scotland, let us land up here in the Midlands, that actually means a compromise, and compromise requires understanding. If there is a mutual attraction at whatever level, this understanding can be developed, because the most important thing that should be in the woman’s heart and in the man’s heart is “I want to please my husband or my wife.” If that thought is dominant, then you are capable of sacrificing, and when you are capable of sacrificing, you are capable of surrender, and when you are capable of surrender, spontaneously the grace of love dawns upon you. These are the mechanics. These are the mechanics of self-help in the sphere of love.
THE DAY WILL COME, PERHAPS IN ANOTHER LIFETIME, WHEN WE CAN FUNCTION IN TOTALITY
These are the mechanics. These things are easy to follow. When a man and a woman get married, nobody forces them to do so. There is a mutual attraction that makes them want to marry, and at first this attraction may be on a superficial level, with minds that think alike, similar tastes, and bodies that are attracted to each other. These are superficial levels. But when they get married, these superficial levels must be elevated to super levels. From superficial levels, one has to elevate oneself to super levels so that the relationship becomes enduring and endearing.
One has to start from where one is. That is the important thing. If we keep dwelling on superficial levels, on physical or mental attractions, or similar tastes, remember this. You can marry the most beautiful woman in the world, or the most handsome man in the world, but that beauty and that handsomeness will fade in a few months’ time. Something only seems pretty at the beginning, but afterwards it becomes a common thing because of the familiarity that is created. You do not keep on looking at your wife’s nose or her beautiful legs.
That is practical. That is how it works, but what you keep looking at and what endures is the quality within, and the qualities within are the sense of self-sacrifice, the desire to please, and the self-surrender to one’s spouse. Those are the enduring qualities which constitute love as we progress on the path of love, and one day, perhaps not in this lifetime, perhaps in some other lifetime, we will be able to function as a totality. Our meditational practices are designed to bring about an integration of mind, body and spirit so that we can function as total beings, where even the sex act can be elevated to such a degree that it becomes a meditation, a complete mergence.
AS HOUSEHOLDERS, IT IS PART OF OUR DHARMA TO TRANSFORM OUR INITIAL ATTRACTION INTO A SPIRITUAL ONE
Someone came to me and said, “There is no God. I do not see Him. Prove Him to me.” So I said, “Well, look, you only take things that your senses can observe, see, touch, or smell. There are many things in life that the senses are incapable of perceiving, yet there are higher things that the senses cannot perceive but which can be experienced and known through another sense, which everyone has within himself.”
The same applies to loving each other, and this sense is systematically cultivated through a few qualities we have to cultivate, and it is worthwhile doing so. When we marry someone, there is an initial mutual attraction, and to enhance this attraction, these are the things one has to do if love is to become enduring. The reasons for the divorces we see are that people are just romanticists. They see the beautiful face, get attracted to someone they think alike, with similar tastes, both like playing tennis, or both like playing golf, or go fishing, or both like the same kind of music, but tastes keep on differing every day. They keep on differing. For one year you might like to play tennis very much, and the next year you might like something else very much. These tastes are not from the heart. These tastes are from the mind, and being so fickle, the mind is subject to change. When the mind changes, it develops other kinds of tastes, and then our spouse becomes incompatible with us. Because every mind is an individual mind, when your tastes change, it does not mean that your wife’s taste has also changed with yours. It could change with yours if self-surrender, self-sacrifice and service are there when tastes change together.
So, the major cause of this sociological problem of divorce is that the marriage was entered into at a superficial level, and instead of moving it to a deeper level, the couple remained on that superficial level. And anything that is superficial can never be lasting, which is why we have divorces. Let us take the example of a man, say he is a drunkard. The wife will start hating him for his drinking. The man could have a serious problem, for alcoholism is a disease. So instead of hating him, if she could develop an understanding with him and help him to understand his problem, even if professional help is required or professional help is to be called in, and one can do something about the problem, then that would be helpful. But no, because the love had been on the superficial level, the wife is not prepared to help, she is not prepared to help him find a solution. So, what happens? The marriage goes on the rocks, although the husband liked his scotch on the rocks. Those ice rocks are dangerous rocks. It can take anyone to the rocks.
So, love has its various levels, ranging from utter superficiality to a superlevel. As householders, it is part of our dharma to elevate the initial attraction, the initial physical, mental, mundane attraction, and lead it gently to a spiritual attraction, and then one could say, “Ah, so well have I lived in my home”. The wife could say, “How well he has cared for me with all his love.” She cannot define love, but she can really define and view, in retrospect, his self-sacrifice, his support in times of trouble, his extreme care in times of illness, for example, self-sacrifice, self-surrender. The woman can say that he has been good to me. Those are the words they use. The husband can say the same thing, that how wonderful she has been, she has taken so much care in the home to make me feel comfortable. She has reared the children so beautifully that I can be proud to say, “Ah, this is my son.” The wife has helped him to make the son a son, when he can say, “My son.” The support the wife has given him in his work. The wife has been so busy at home with her housework; she might have had tons of problems with the children and the nappies and washing them, all kinds of things, yet when he comes home there is always a beautiful smile on her face. And all the tiredness of work-a-day life at the office or the factory just melts away in her smile, and he feels refreshed, rejuvenated, regenerated by the power of love.
WE PASS THROUGH VARIOUS STAGES OF LOVE TO REACH DIVINE LOVE, WHICH IS OURS
So, love is not something that just comes and is thrown in your lap. One has to work at it, especially when it comes to marriage. No marriage needs to fail if we are prepared to work at it, and this has been proven over and over again. If my marriage fails, I must admit to myself that it is partly due to my own weakness. Everyone must admit that fact, and if we do something constructive to overcome those weaknesses, then the marriage will not fail, because even the discrepancies in the wife or the husband will be accepted in love, with love, for love. Why? – to preserve love.
These are all the levels as we live, as we go through the various facets of love towards Divine love, which is ours. We are born with it, and because of our mental and heart limitations, we cannot yet express that Divine love. But as the mind, the cobwebs, and the pinching heart are more and more opened, the Divinity of love shines through more and more, until it can shine through completely. Then that old man and woman, holding hands and walking down the road, occasionally glance into each other’s eyes, and a flicker of a smile appears on the lips, so beautiful, the beautiful feeling of oneness that, through this life, we have gone together. And I can see a picture, a beautiful sunset. They are towards the end of their life now, at that age, and what a beautiful picture that would make, seeing them walking through and melting away into that sunset, into that Divinity, into Light. That is Love. That is the path of Love. Thank you. We like to mix a bit of poetry with philosophy. It is not apart, for life is a poem itself
… Gururaj Ananda Yogi: Satsang UK 1978 – 12
