WHAT IS A CULTURED MAN?
In the conditioning of a man or woman, there are three factors to be considered: one’s karmic values, which have made us who we are today, and this is the most critical factor. The second factor would be what the environment does to us. By environment, we could include all the cultures of the world. If you live in India, you are in a different kind of culture, perhaps. If you live in America, you live in a different culture, which shapes your behaviour. Those two factors are the most important in shaping who you are.
The question should be, am I happy with what I am? If I am not satisfied with what I am, what should I do about it? That is bringing a metaphysical question down to its practical, day-to-day values. What people think of me, how important is that? We have spoken about this before. That we become creatures of the environment, and we are sucked into this whirlpool of what we call culture. What is culture, really? If a person sits at the table and does not know how to handle a knife and fork, we call him uncultured. He is not cultured. He might be coming from Tibet, where there are no knives and forks. Culture is from the heart. Culture is an expression of a person’s essential self. Culture contains all the fine qualities of man; the refined man is cultured. He might have a crude exterior, but that refinement is from deep within himself, where every action of his is a glorification of creation itself. Every action of his is kind, compassionate, and all-encompassing. That is refinement, that is a cultured man.
WHAT IS CULTURE?
When we talk about cultures, we misuse the word so much. In certain parts of the world, certain kinds of clothing are worn; in other parts, different types are worn. In certain parts of the world, certain kinds of food are eaten; in other parts, other kinds. That has nothing to do with culture. That is just environmental factors that we are mixed up in or brought up in, which man can change at will. A man does not need to wear a pair of trousers, for example. He wears it to be a conformist. He wants to conform to society or within the framework of the society he lives in; therefore, he wears a pair of pants. A woman sometimes wears a dress because it is part of the culture or environment that has forced her to wear that kind of clothing. What does this have to do with culture? It is nothing but conformity, and conformity is never culture. A man can be totally unconventional yet highly refined and cultured. His every action shows that refinement. His every word, his every smile, his every gesture show that deep, beautiful refinement. That is culture. We call ourselves civilized. Ask ourselves: are we really civilized? Are we really civilized?
Let us go back a hundred, two hundred years, where a midwife would deliver a baby. Those times in the backwoods, there was a lot of superstition in every country. The midwife, in delivering the baby, would tell the mother and father that there is a complication, and this baby will only be delivered safely if we call upon the local doctor. Which doctor? The witch doctor. So, they call the witch doctor, and he performs his mumbo-jumbo, and the baby is born normally. That was primitive people, uncultured people. Meanwhile, the fees were shared. There was a kickback. Are they really primitive people? What is happening today? The same thing. The doctor can treat you; he knows the symptoms; he has properly diagnosed you. But he refers you to the specialist. Why? For the kickback. Are we civilized? Are we any better than those people that we call primitive people? If we study primitive societies, we see greater oneness, where everyone stood together. Although there might have been tribal customs, if one tribe invaded another, they would all stand together despite their differences. What happens today to civilized people? We live in a block of flats, and nine times out of ten, we do not know who lives next door. Is that not so? Are we civilized?
This happens all the time. What I am trying to tell you is that culture does not depend on the environment or on the way we live, which is conditioned by the environment. Culture is from the heart. A cultured man is a man whose heart is opened, who has expanded awareness of the surroundings, who has that awareness of the environment in such a way that he, being refined, can only see refinement. That which is not refined, he can overlook. He learns to see the good and not the bad. That is the cultured man. You see how backward we are! Even more backward than the primitive man, perhaps. Technological progress does not mean that we are more evolved.
DEVELOPMENT SHOULD BE OF THE HEART
Go back to the time of Christ, or even further back, to the time of Buddha or Krishna. People still have hatreds and wars and petty jealousies, and all those negative qualities still exist in today’s society; yet we call ourselves evolved. Technological progress is no sign of evolution. It is a sign of mental development. One invention breeds another one. Technologically, we can make discoveries. Yet, if we study ancient literature, like the Ramayana, written 9,000 years ago, we are told about airplanes, machines that fly through the air. So, what have we really invented? We have only rediscovered things that were buried in the past. We have not even fathomed the mysteries of the pyramids, the Bermuda Triangle, or stuff like that. What progress have we made? We do not so much want the development of the mind, but the opening up of the heart, where all things are known, and all things are felt, and all things are understood, despite any environment. That is a cultured man who can do that.
If you, say as a meditator, are put in a room that is filled with all kinds of erotic things, and if you can sit amidst all that and yet your mind is free and unattached from all that, you are then a meditator. But if you go to a forest, and the conditions are so beautiful and so conducive for you to meditate, then that is child’s play. Who is the greater man? The person who could sit amidst all the distractions and yet have his mind free from those attachments, that is a cultured man.
THE MOTHERS ARE THE ONES WHO CREATE CIVILISATION
When it comes to men and women, both are subject to the environments they live in. If a person takes birth as a woman, it is by no chance whatsoever. If he takes birth as a man, that is also no chance; it is no accident. It is a plan and a design. The previous life might have been lived in such a way that tolerance and patience are to be learned. And who is more tolerant, who is more patient, who is more caring, than a woman? A woman is God’s finest creation. She has all those beautiful qualities within her; the gentleness, the softness (I am talking of real women). She has all those qualities inbuilt in her: tolerance, patience, kindness, forbearance. If she did not have these qualities, she would not be qualified enough to bear a child. And any mother will tell you what it takes to bring up a child. The older man goes to work and brings home the bread and beans. That is about all. But the mothers are the ones who create civilization. The mother is the one who creates culture by instilling goodness within the child.
In spiritual movements, you will always find that 70% will be women. You will find that, because they are more heart-oriented, they can accept things and open themselves up to higher forces because of the gentleness, the patience, and the tolerance that they have. Because of that kindness, that compassion.
You go driving in a motor car with a couple sitting in front, and you sit in the back. If an accident occurs on the road, it will always be the woman who will say, “Oh!” Not the man. Some men, of course, I am talking about generally, the majority of men. You see how important the woman is.
ALL THE QUALITIES MAN HAS, OR WOMAN HAS, ARE NOT OPPOSED, BUT COMPLEMENTARY
To learn and digest those lessons, she came to earth as a woman. In a previous life, she might have been a man, and she needed to learn all these things, so the forces of nature, the stream and force of evolution, put her in a position to become a woman.
The same principle applies to man. Man is the aggressor. He has always been the hunter. He has always been the provider. Those times, he used to hunt for food; nowadays, he might hunt for something else. It is not my business. He has always been the provider. He, the man, by nature is the provider and the protector. That is his nature, and for his evolution, he needs those qualities: to be the aggressor, to be active as opposed to the passivity of the woman. He needs to provide, rather than be provided for, as the woman does. He is the hunter, the creator, the inventor of ideas, all the time. The greatest inventors in the world have been men. I apologize to the women.
So, by following these principles, men and women will be performing their true dharma. One thing to realize is that these qualities are not in opposition to each other; they are complementary. With the aggression, there is that passiveness. With the strength, there is that gentility, gentleness. So, all these qualities a man has, or a woman has, are not opposed, but complementary. In a marriage, when these qualities complement each other, that home becomes a happy home. But in today’s society, everybody wants to be the boss. The woman says, “I am the boss,” and the man says, “I am the boss.” Like a friend of mine says, “I wear the pants in the house, but my wife chooses the colours.”
IN THE HOME WHERE THE WOMEN ARE ADORED, THE GODS ARE WELL PLEASED
This is symptomatic of the present situation in the world. This is the greatest conflict-bringer in the present world that we live in. Let us go back to the East, not that the East is any better. They have millions of faults. There, you will have one divorce in 20,000, while in the West, we have one divorce in every three. Why? Because man does not want to perform his dharma, and woman does not want to perform her dharma. In the East, you will find women who are always very submissive, sometimes to a fault, and men are the bosses, also sometimes to a fault. Many times, perhaps. But there is a beautiful division of labour—a beautiful division of labour that complements each other.
There is a beautiful book written thousands of years ago called the Manusmrite, also known as the Mānava-Dharmaśāstra or the Laws of Manu. In there, it is said that in the home where women are adored, there the gods are well pleased. This does not mean that the man is bossifying the woman all the time. No, he is doing his dharma. He is the provider and the protector. And the woman is doing her dharma by looking after him, the home, and the children. She is doing her dharma, he is doing his dharma, and both are happy. Happy, and this comes only when you regard your wife as a goddess, and your wife regards you as a god. Then, happiness dawns.
In a relationship, there should be no competition.
But in today’s so-called culture, we do not find this complementarity; instead, we see competition. I receive so many letters in which the wife writes to me that her husband is evolving so much faster than she is, or vice versa. That is competition. That is creating friction. Why should that be so? The woman should be pleased and proud that “Oh, my husband is progressing, evolving so fast, and I am a part of him.” Then competition ceases. Then complementariness begins. Do you see the point? How beautiful it is where one is a helpmate to the other. There is no such thing as inequality in this conception. Because, as I said before, where the husband worships the wife as a goddess, and the wife worships the husband as a god, there the gods are well pleased. So, it is a mutuality. It is not a matter of independence or dependence. It is a matter of interdependence, and that is what we need in society. Interdependent.
The woman who truly loves her husband will feel the headache when her husband has one, and vice versa. Yes. There is that rapport. There is that empathy, and this happens so easily if there is no competition. “So, you went to buy a 200-pound suit, so why can I not go to buy a 200-pound dress?” Rubbish! She does not think that “My husband is in a position, he is an executive in a large company, perhaps he has to meet certain people, and he has to present himself in a certain way where all this is necessary. OK, fine. So I am at home, I do not need a 200-pound dress. Do I?” OK, we have to go out sometimes. There should be some nice clothes, but it never ends there. A woman never has clothes. Never. No, “I have got nothing to wear!” Competition. Competition, competition, competition instead of cooperation. We said that a woman is born a woman because it is needed for her evolution, and a man is born a man because it is necessary for his evolution. If each performs their dharma in the proper way, with interdependence upon each other, then there is no problem at all.
This does not justify the man in buying a 200-pound suit when he does not need it. That might be needed more in the home. The wife needs it more to build up the house or to look after the home. But he, perhaps, of his ego, wants to look so lovely and so wonderful. He works on the principle that the feathers make the bird. Never. Birds make feathers. So, what we are doing now is laughing at ourselves, and that is good. It is good to face our weaknesses, it is good to know that we should not be victims of our environment, and it is not necessary. One can conform to society’s laws, which one must. Otherwise, you become a hippie.
WE ARE BORN AS MEN OR AS WOMEN TO PERFORM OUR DHARMA
One must conform to society’s laws to maintain stability. A stability has to be produced, for when man himself, as a unit of society, becomes stable, then society automatically becomes stable. Look after the units, and the whole is safe. Look after the pennies, and the pounds are OK. Same principle. So, it is not a matter of non-conformity or being non-conventional. Be conventional, by all means, but let that conventionality be progressive and not regressive, or going backward. Evolving and not devolving, like the hippy.
So, there are many factors in life. Seeing that we live in this world and no man is an island unto himself, as the saying goes, we have to conform to certain things. And nothing wrong in conforming. It would look awful if any of us walked down the street without any clothes. Everyone else is wearing clothes, so we wear clothes. But I am talking about becoming a victim of the environment. Because my neighbour has installed a swimming pool, I must break my neck to install one, too. That is becoming a victim of the environment, and he really would break his neck if he built a swimming pool, figuratively and literally.
So, there is an independence that is to be preserved in one’s home. One has to maintain freedom in the home, and independence is preserved when man feels he is the king of his castle, but that is only half the story. He must make the woman think that she is the queen of the castle. There is a difference. And vice versa, you see. So, in this complementarity, in this whole theory, about why I was born a woman, or why I was born a man, the answer is straightforward. We are born to perform our dharma and to help each other. Man helps the woman, and the woman helps the man along the evolutionary path, trying to make it as smooth as possible. As soft as possible.
PEOPLE WITH DIVERSE IDEAS CAN STILL LIVE HAPPILY TOGETHER IN THE DEEPEST OF LOVE
Do you know that 99 percent of all arguments at home are baseless and unnecessary? Do you know that 99 percent of all arguments at home are fixtures of the imagination? Do you know that 99 percent of all our troubles are just plain rubbish? And what a broom we need to sweep the trash away! Do not shake your head, my friend; get married, and you will know. So, you see. Life can be made so, so beautiful, and so, so smooth! Give and take! I was telling a young couple this evening that before a couple is married, it is a four-legged run, but once married, it becomes a three-legged run! They join together. The union is not of the body only, and neither of the mind only, but of the spirit. Where mind, body, and spirit function in togetherness. And yet you might have opposing views.
I know a couple; the husband is a Protestant, and the wife is a Catholic. So, on Sunday, the husband drops his wife off at the Catholic church, then goes to his church, picks her up on the way back, they go home, have their lovely Sunday dinner, and love each other. Their beliefs have nothing to do with their home. So, people can live with diverse ideas without allowing them to interfere with their love for each other.
HARMONY IN DIVERSITY
This might sound like a totally new conception in which people with diverse ideas can still live happily together in the deepest love. And the factor involved there is this: that you, my love, are entitled to your ideas; and I, my love, am entitled to mine. Just do not let us pull out our swords. Keep them in the scabbard. You have your sword; I have mine. We keep them in the scabbards, and we love. That is all. And mind you, those two swords look beautiful on the wall, crossed. But only on the wall. Not in the practical, day-to-day living. There, we do not cross swords, and that is performing our dharma. That is why man is man and woman is woman. All these conflicts are created by none other than ourselves.
So here we come back to the same old principles of acceptance. And man and woman have the ability; the dharma of a woman is to bring out a greater gentleness, a greater tenderness in the man, a greater lovingness in the man, a greater self-esteem in the man. Not pride but self-esteem in the man. These are the things, plus others, a woman has to do for the man. And likewise, there are things a man has to do for the woman. The man has to make the woman feel like a woman. Yes.
That is a difficult job. How many men, tell me you, can really make a woman feel like a woman? It sounds simple, but it is not. To make a woman feel like a woman would be to draw out in her all those qualities we spoke about just now. All that tolerance, that patience, that gentleness, that kindness, that compassion, that caringness, that motherliness, all that must be drawn out of a woman. Then the woman feels like a woman and the queen of the castle. And this is not an act; it has to be genuine, because it is authentic. Every woman possesses those qualities. And a lot depends upon the man to draw that out. And I tell you one thing you can write down in your notebook: there is not a single couple in this world that cannot make the marriage work if they want to. All the surface problems can be overcome very, very easily if they love each other, not even too much, just a little.
A little is enough, and that seed grows, and grows by understanding. The person who invented twin beds must be shot! Did you know that? They fight in the evening, and each one goes to his own bed. If you have twin beds, chuck them away, and get a double bed! And if the spring sags in the middle, all the better! If people love each other, there is an automatic reflex: even while you are dozing off or sleeping, your arm just falls over and holds your beloved closer to you. And all those problems of the day, all those conflicts, those fights, are forgotten. They are ignored, and an understanding develops. In a home where the wife is worshipped as a goddess and the husband is worshipped as a god — ah, but to look into each other’s eyes, you just melt away! But that is not the whole story. To love is not only to look into each other’s eyes, but all four eyes to be able to look in the same direction. That helps a lot. Oh, yes. To be able to look in the same direction. Oh, yes. This is what householding is all about. This is why man has become man and woman has become woman. And believe you me, the householder’s path is the easiest path to reach the goal, and the most pleasant one, too! Yes!
In actual lovemaking, a merger of spirits takes place
Look at all the joys it contains. Do you know that very few people know how to make love? Most people love with their bodies, and a bit of the mind is attached to it. If the body is not stimulated by itself, it requires the support of the mind to give it stimulation. And then, they think they are making love. That lovemaking is only in thought, mixed with the animalism man has in him, or the woman has in her.
Every human being has three sides to themselves. He has the animal, he has the man, and he has the godman within himself. If man, through his meditational and spiritual practices, achieves a certain measure of self-integration between the three aspects, body, mind, and spirit, then he can function as a whole person. He can function in totality. So even then, in lovemaking, it is not only the mind and body involved, but also the spirit is involved, where there is a complete oneness of the body, the mind, and the spirit. And in that kind of lovemaking, the body is forgotten, and the mind is of no importance; the mind does not matter. And only the spirit shines through. And what happens then is the perfect union where the spirit in you is the same as in her, and a mergence takes place. And that is what lovemaking should be all about, not just lust. Not lust! And yet every person, every man, and every woman has this within themselves. It is in the chest or the breast, it is there, all the time.
Therefore, meditate! Meditate and bring about this integration within yourself, and you will see every department of life improve. That is what spiritual practices are meant to do and meant to be! To bring about that self-integration where every action becomes a real action, a total action. So, in lovemaking, people do not make love totally! They make love partially. They either express their animal selves so much that the spiritual self is entirely lost. You see the significant difference. This mergence is so beautiful! And that is why this instinct is the most powerful in man, and it is to be used, not abused. Used in a way where a greater mergence takes place, and if you can find the mergence within your spouse, within your husband or your wife, you find mergence with God. Therefore, I say, the householder’s way is the easiest.
Here you have an object, a solid object, that you can touch, feel, taste, smell, whatever, a solid object. And through the concrete, all the vast abstractness of Divinity can be found in such a beautiful form. So simple.
LOVE HAS A TRANSFORMATIVE POWER ON THE ENVIRONMENT
That is dharma, that is the dharma of a householder. When this beauty pervades the house, then everything else around becomes beautiful. If there is that real love in the house, that mergence, that oneness between man and woman, how beautifully those children will grow. Just imagine. They grow up, they are nurtured, they are fed, with the food of love. They sleep with love, they eat with love, they play with love, they go to the loo with love. So, it is just love, love, and love, and more love! If that is happening at home, it is reflected in your surroundings. It is reflected so much around you that even in your work, without you doing anything, you just become lovable to people. All your workmates just seem to love you! Without rhyme or reason. You might just say good morning and good afternoon, or good-bye, whatever. And yet they love you. Why? Because you are loving. That is why. If you are loving, you automatically become lovable, and is that not what people want? So here is a stable home, here is a stable work life. In the friendly circle, a greater stability develops. “Oh, tonight let us go and visit John and Jeanne, they are such wonderful people!” And yet, in other homes, and I am sure everyone has had this experience, you visit a home and just wish, “Oh, how soon can we get away!” The atmosphere is such! And in certain homes, you can sit for hours and feel just at peace. Why? Because of the vibrations that are created. The vibrations in a home filled with hatred are far, far different than the vibrations that are in a home of love.
I can feel this even in food. If a person cooks for me without the entirety of her love in that cooking, I feel it immediately! And the other way around. It depends on how sensitive you are to feel, but that is not the question. What I am trying to say is that these vibrations are tangible. It is not a fixture of imagination; it is there. It is there.
… Gururaj Ananda Yogi: Satsang US – 1978 – 05
